Thursday, July 2, 2009

A Weekend to Ponder

So, for many people this is a weekend to have fun.
As a matter of fact, I'm having a small get together on Saturday.

I wish I had photos to post here but I just don't.

Actually this year my heart is feeling rather heavy.
On July 5, 1982 my brother, David, committed suicide.
I was 12 years old and David was 17 years old.

I don't have very many memories of him.
One of the few sweet memories I have from over 27 years ago is him telling my other brother, Paul, to never hit a girl....especially a sister.

It's pretty sad but I really don't think about David very often.
I think that's a natural thing. This year marks 27 years since his death...
Damn, am I that old?? Sheesh.

However, a couple weeks ago I had a very vivid dream about him.
It was soooo weird. He was aged in the dream. He was heavier but still very handsome.

Ever since that dream my heart has been kinda achy.
I'm sad, pissed and also very happy I dreamt (dreamed...not sure which word it is)about him.
It was almost magical.

Because I was so young when he died I don't even have a photo of him.

I think on Sunday I will go to the cemetery...bring some flowers and just sit down and talk to him.
Do ya think he will say anything back?
If he does you know damn well I won't tell you.
I'm afraid I will be committed to some psychiatric hospital.
I will just keep that one to myself.

I have to tell you...I think this is the HARDEST thing I have had to watch.
I saw, as a 12 yr old, what it did to my parents and my siblings.
I wish this upon NO ONE!!!

I just wish that I had known him better.
I wish I had more memories of him.
I wish I naturally thought of him more often.

So, David, this year I will honor you.
I will talk about you.
I will allow my heart to be heavy.
Why you ask?
Because you deserve to not be forgotten.
You deserve to be talked about.
You deserve to have a legacy.

I am the only person I know(aside from my family members) to have gone through this.
It used to be embarrassing. Now I am proud.

I really hope you all have a great weekend.
I know I will!
Life it to be get out there and celebrate.

So, when you are having a drink...please think about having a Jack &'s sad but at 17 years old his drink of choice was Jack Daniels.
I thought originally I was going to have Mojitos this weekend.
Nope...Bartender (that's me), may I please have 2 Jack & Cokes....One for me and one for David!

Happy Red, White & Blue!!!!


Just be happy! said...

thank you for sharing your story.
I don't really know what to say...

Jen r. said...

My heart goes out to you. THat is such a hard thing. I think he already visited you in your need to read James Van Praagh talking to heaven...

Lori said...

What a beautiful sentiment ~ love that you are going to visit him and have a chat on Sunday ~ it seems fitting. Enjoy your Jack & coke and I will raise my glass to you and him over the week-end!

littlebyrd said...

I am so so sorry for you and your family. This is very heartbreaking. I hope you have a nice weekend too and find some peace to your aching heart on Sunday. many hugs to you my friend.

southerninspiration said...

I hope your memories are sweet this weekend. That IS a difficult thing to live with...and thru. Take care.


The Kramer Angle said...

What a sad, tragic part of your life. I think it's a great idea to celebrate your brother this weekend! Honor his memory with as many rum and Coke's as you want! I've never had one, but I just may ask for one this weekend, and when I do it will be to support you and to honor your brother's memory!

Blasé said...

At 12y/o life's experiences don't 'cling' to you as well. I was 19 when my only sibling/sister was killed in a car wreck at 16y/o.

It haunts me to this day (I'm 47). I posted about it in "All about Life" in my Blog.

I was living with family still and sis was getting ready to go to school as I was headed out the door for work. I stopped to put my head in the bathroom door as she was putting on her makeup and I said 'Bye'. When I got home that day, about an hour later a neighbor came knocking on our door, I answered. I woke up Dad from his nap and off we went to the intersection between our house and school (1/2 mile). A few minutes later, my mother 'drove up' on it (not knowing) coming from a visit to my grandparents. It took my mother 5 years before she started 'living' again.

Have a Good Visit with your Brother's memory, today.

You never know what a Day Holds. Peace

Sarah said...

Amy, my heart swells for you. I hope you can enjoy your time of celebration this weekend. Maybe write him a letter to read to when you go to the cemetery. Praying that you can be filled with peace throughout this weekend. May you take the pieces of who he was and who he people remember him as and share that with others.

That was my huge lesson losing my grandpa when I was 19, he was like a best friend but the pain from his death so I realized two years ago my kids knew NOTHING about him. I changed that and explained what I loved about him and what he was like. Hopefully you can recreate some of those memories to share as well.
Big hugs!
Happy 4th!

Katie said...

What a beautiful tribute to your brother- you made me cry! He was lucky to have you as a sister.

Hope you have a great weekend!

Anne Marie said...

Oh Amy.....that touched me deep!

to share that with us, well, it's very touching.....

I suggest starting a prayer journal, or some sort of journal just about you and your brother....

writing things down releases not only emotion, but evokes a deeper understanding of yourself (as you I'm sure have seen blogging)

hugs and prayers Amy-

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this story. Sometimes a visit and a chat are the best medicine. Happy 4th!

Jackie said...

I'm glad you're talking about him - I know we talked about this at Farm Chicks. I think keeping it all inside can make it hurt more. Maybe Jen's advice helped you dream about him! Take good care of YOU and have a great 4th!

Melissa Miller said...

I'm so sorry Amy...:(
I cannot imagine the pain involved
when this happens to families.

I hope your holiday is blessed. ~Melissa

LillySue said...

I know what you are going thru. I lost my sister when we were quite young. I go thru spells of thinking about her a lot and then suddenly realize I have not thought about her in a long time. It is like I have lived my life with a little piece of me missing. Nothing else will fill that spot and rightfully so. Hang on to the sweet memories, even if they are few....I believe that even though we can't physically be with our departed loved ones, we can still share a spiritual/emotional connection that they can be a part of in their spirit form. In other words...I know my sister still feels my love and I feel hers. Skip the Jack N Coke and just feel the connection, have a talk with him and share the memories! I will remember you both in my prayers!

Lisa said...

I'm so glad you are allowing yourself to think and talk about your brother. It is sad you had to go through that. I know your parents were devastated. I'm more sorry you felt like you couldn't talk about it for so long. My father killed himself drinking and driving when I was just 9. He was 27! It's so weird to think how different my life is than his. At 40 I still haven't found my prince and have no children. And at 27 he had a Good career and a 9yr old and a 7yr old! Please do what you need to do to remember your brother. My father and my grandmother have spoken to me since they passed and I have had great comfort from it. So talk to your brother! and enjoy the conversation!!
Hugs and prayers, Lisa

Amber Ellis said...

I can't imagine going through anything like this. I hope you have a wonderful weekend remembering your brother. My thoughts are with you my friend!

Decorating Queen said...

Awww..i'm so very sorry for your loss, but think it's great that you are going to try and honor his memory. My husband's best friend committed suicide when he was 16--on his twin brother and sisters birthday. Of course, the family was never the same. And it greatly affected my husband as well. One of the worst tragedies in life is to lose a child, and even moreso when it happens due to suicide. There are so many questions that go unanswered. I know he will appreciate your visit. Thinking of you.

Alicia said...

If you keeo yout tender heart open, he'll answer.
There's nothing to be emabarassed about. David was in so much pain it blinded him to everything else around him. I believe in dreams as a vehicle. It could have been your own soul wanting to comfort your heart or it could have been David himself coming from wherever he went to give you what you need. Anything is truly possible.
Above all as someone who stepped back from the edge off of which David leapt, I can tell you suicide is not about dying, its about not living in a pain you just can't foresee breaking its hold on you.
My love & support to you.

Honey Bend Vintage said...

My heart and thoughts go out to you. What a beautifful sentiment. I go to my dad's grave to talk to him, for some reason I feel close to him there. My thoughts are with you.

Sarah @ Thrifty Decor Chick said...

I am so sorry to hear this. We were just talking about my BIL who died way too young too -- his name was David as well. Hope you have a great Fourth!!

Sheila R said...

My heart just hurts for you and your family. What a wonderful tribute to your brother. May God comfort you and give you peace.

Caroline said...

Perhaps putting his memory away was easier for you to deal with as you were so young. I think you will feel better if you go to his grave and say a prayer for him, we should always pray for those who have died.

Sadie Olive said...

Amy, I think your sweet brother was talking to you, through your dreams. :o) I don't often have dreams of my past family members but when I do, I know they are special, like they came to visit me just for a short moment.

I hope you got out to see him over the weekend, and that he talked back to you.

Hope you had a happy weekend, sweet friend!

tracey said...

I'm so sorry to hear you lost your brother when you were so young. I hope you were able to find some peace over the weekend with your thoughts and memories of him and managed to enjoy your holiday some. I wouldn't be surprised if he pays you a visit again some time in your dreams...

Teresa said...

My heart goes out to you. The one true love in my life committed suicide 14 years ago. I know what it can do to you. I'll never know love like that again. So long I wished he would come to me, talk to me, tell me why. He finally came to me in a dream, about 2 years ago. I was finally able to let go. But still I can't let another man close to me. I hope you have peace.

the wild raspberry said...

so sorry to hear that you and your family have gone through this sorrow.
i'm sure that if he could say one thing to you today...he would tell you to live the best christian life that you can because that is what really matters in the end.
i would tell you...put down the alcohol and pick up your bible. it will bring you the peace that you are looking for.

Tracy is ... Loving Pretty Things said...

what a sweet sister you are. to bear your heart like this for us to share...i just love that you felt comfortable to do this!

I'm giving you a BIG hug right now, and cheers'ing to you and your brother (My bro-in-law and father-in-law's drink of choice is Jack, so it is always in my home).

You are a precious friend, and if I never get a chance to meet you (GASP...please say it won't ever be so....) I hope you know and feel the hugs that I give you on a regular basis.

You are a special presence in my life, and on July 5, I honor your sweet brother, David.


Tara said...

Amy, one, I am so proud of you for posting this, and two I am sorry for your loss, truly sorry, and even more sorry for the affect it had on your family. Thank you for sharing your story, I am sure this touched so many people...I hope you were able to celebrate your brother this weekend, and your heart felt a little healing. XOXOXO

J.J. said...

What a beautiful post. You are such a caring sister...

Zita - Mlle Magpie said...

What a horrible thing to deal with, when you're so young, Amy. I feel for you. Hope you have a good visit with your bro.

Michelle@Fromhousetohome said...

What a difficult thing for your family. I'm sorry you lost your beloved brother. Maybe he was reaching out to you with the dream. To let you know he is watching out for you.

Chez Zizi said...

Thank you for sharing your story. 7 1/2 years ago my 17 year old brother died in an accident and 3 years ago, in a few days my closest cousin, like a sister, committed suicide. Such tragic events in my life, I will have a drink in their honor.