Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Trying to Chill

I was born and raised in a house of complete chaos.
Not your everyday chaos.
I was not raised by parents that were always in and out of the car driving us around.
We were lucky if they even went to parent teacher conferences. We were lucky if they went to the holiday program.
You certainly did not expect them to show up at your game or tell you to do homework.
Every single member of my family lived for each day.
Every single member of my family lived in crisis mode.

I wonder why my parenting style is soooo different from my parent's style.

Don't they say that sometimes no matter how hard we try we just repeat what we know?

I wonder if the reason I struggle so much with my identity is because I'm trying to live my life just the opposite of my childhood.

One thing I can tell you is that I am damn lucky to have been raised in the totally messed up family I was raised in!!!!!!
We are all survivors.
I learned lessons that others will never learn.

In the end, my mom lived her last 5 years sober.
She was truly a changed woman.
I will love her until my last breath.
She showed me what it truly means to fight for your life.
She showed me strength that I had never personally experienced before or even have seen up until now.

My Dad, ahhhhh my Dad.
Damn, I love that man.
He has completely chilled out as he has gotten older.
He is a great listener.
He gives such sound advice.
He can make me laugh my ass of with just a few words.
He knows a little bit about everything.
I LOVE his curiosity.
He always seems to know when I need his tender heart the most.
(I didn't say always....just when I realllly seem to need it)

I hope that I learn to chill once all my kids are out of the house.
I just can't do it now.....
I have to spend all my time reversing everything I know.
See, that's how I do it.
I say....how did it happen when I was a kid?
Then I just do the complete opposite.

At the end of the day I know I cannot change a damn thing.
In the end I know I can only look forward.
In the end, all's I can do is look back on my childhood and laugh, cry and shake my head.
Through all the shit......I still think I wouldn't have changed a thing.
I like who I am....even if I am pretty wacky.

It's just on some days it's hard to always live my life sooooo consciously.
It's just plain tiring sometimes.

Thanks for letting me ramble.
Thanks for letting me share.
Thanks for letting me be me!


mimi charmante said...

I totally understand what you are saying. I find that I am often fighting "what I know" in hopes of becoming "what I dream of". I find that my worst times come in the middle of the most chaos as I seem to revert to what is subconscious rather than actually think before i act.
Kudos to you for posting something so many of us can relate to~

Nice and Easy Antiques said...

Hi Amy, thank you for your lovely visit as it lead us to this post and the possibility to know you a little more! We hope you'll visit us again soon!
Clara & Marcela

Bill Deitch said...

Maisy...you have it pegged JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

Tracy ~Seeking Refinement~ said...

I simply adore you. I love that you're not using any circumstance in your past as an excuse for bad behavior today. Rather - you see it as a motivation to make life better for the future. You're not a victim as many in our society are obsessed with being - you are a change-agent and THAT, my dear is what inspires people: especially your children! They will feed off of your strength in their weaktimes and will be motivated to be a change agent rather than a victim.

You are an amazing person, and this post proves it, yet again.

Keep on being Y.O.U.


tara said...

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, however...how does that explain how one child can be so different from the next and nothing like their parents? Amy you are amazing, don't ever forget that...you are a wonderful mother and all that you went through as a child has prepared you for parenting and you don't do it with your eyes closed! keep being real, I love it!

Katie said...

Beautiful post! I think that most of us have been scarred by our childhood in some way. I think everyone uses what they grew up with as the sounding board for what they should do now.

I'm glad you shared this with us! I'll never stop following you :)

Lou Cinda @ Tattered Hydrangeas said...

I loved this post...truly touched my heart!

Lou Cinda

Dogwood said...

What a heartful post. You have a very nice way with words in describing a very emotional subject. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

Backyard Candle Co. said...

I love the honesty in this post Amy! I feel like I know you a little better already! I strive so hard not to do it the way my parents did too, MAN is it hard! Thanks for sharing your heart!

Victoria said...

Maisy, I totally get you! I feel the same way. I am trying so hard for my daughters childhood to be different than my childhood. Not that it was all bad, but we also lived in constant crisis/crunch mode! Nothing was ever done ahead of time and you were always running out the door half together, without the bday gift needed, etc.

I feel that I learned to handle and deal with a lot that prepared me for the ups and downs of life and helped me learn to roll with life better.

Thanks for sharing!

The Kramer Angle said...

Hi Amy,

The truth of the matter is none of us grew up in Norman Rockwell picture perfect families, but those of us like you and I, who grew up in chaotic households always thought everyone else had perfect lives.

As I grew older I realized every family had their crap, whatever it was, but it was there.

I totally understand what you mean about not changing anything because it made you who you are. It gave you skills you never would have had and they serve you well; even if it was painful at the time.

My husband grew up in a family that was as close to Norman Rockwell as you could get. And I love the man, but in many ways, he doesn't understand the "real world" the way I do.

I could ramble for hours. Maybe one of these days we'll get together for some wine and really just talk! I would love that.

Fabulous post. Another example of baring your heart and soul - bravely.


a.love said...

Amy, I hear ya!!
It's unbelievable how being raised in a tough environment makes you want to do everything consciously opposite. I'm pretty sure it's why I think I suck at this mom stuff...because I'm not opposite of it enough some days.
Just just rocked my heart with this post. I loved it. THANK YOU

Lisa said...

We wouldn't want you any other way! Thanks for sharing!
Hugs, Lisa

LuLu said...

I love your strenght and your wisdom! You are amazing!! You know yourself and what you want for your family.... and you make it happen.
i hope to meet you in person one day!

Just Be Happy said...

well, thank you for being who you are.

Blasé said...

Oh no, thank YOU for letting me listen/read your tell-it-like-it-is Blog.

There is a LOT that I wish I could redo in my life.

Unknown said...

We all love you just eh way your are. You are such a strong woman and a wonderful person!

Sarah said...

I am always trying to relive my childhood with my kids and show them the curious parts of life...as they beg to get their DS out and I feel like a failure. I think a lot of society honestly has gotten to this over-parenting style where if we miss a PRACTICE we aren't supporting our kids.
I love who you are and I totally adore you more each time I read your honest posts about who you are. We are so alike in so many ways. I loved this post, thanks for sharing and again being completely real!

David said...

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Rebecca said...

i think this post was amazing to read and so relatable for so many of us.

i appreciate the honesty and courage of your words.

Amen Sister!!

stacy di said...

wow what a great post. you obviously inherited the best qualities of your parents...you are awesome!